Don’t Believe Everything You Think
I first came across Byron Katie’s work in a coaching context — I was right in the thick of some workplace messiness. Reacting, not responding, had become my default in interactions with a peer.
So, what’s the difference?
Reacting is fast, emotionally charged, and often automatic. It’s that internal jolt when you get yet another email that feels like a passive-aggressive dig. Responding, on the other hand, allows for pause. It gives you space to choose how you reply, what you accept or challenge, and how you want to show up in the moment.
Back then, there was a narrative quietly running in the background (like the subliminal messages behind Josie & The Pussycats’ tracks… great movie, don’t judge me). It was subtle but persistent, colouring how I interpreted situations and relationships. It fed self-doubt and disconnection. And like many of the thoughts we carry, I hadn’t stopped to question it — until my coach did.
She noticed a thread running through the frustrations and self-doubt I was voicing and gently invited me to ask myself Byron Katie’s Four Questions:
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it's true?
How do you react — what happens — when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without that thought?
At first glance, they seem simple. But sitting with them, really sitting with them, was a game-changer.
I realised I had been letting unchallenged thoughts steer my behaviour, drain my confidence, and shape my assumptions about others’ intentions. I was investing energy into things I couldn’t know and couldn’t control. The thoughts might have been partly true — but I couldn’t absolutely know they were. And believing them wasn’t helping me.
Working through the questions gave me back my agency. It felt like moving from the passenger seat to the driver’s seat again. I could start responding, not reacting. I could look at the story I was telling myself and ask: Is this helping or hindering me?
Hard Hats and Head Noise: A Real-Life Scenario I’ve Heard More Than Once
Imagine a young woman stepping into a leadership role on a property project. She’s across the detail, capable, proven and ready to contribute. But in a kick-off meeting, she shares an idea about staging that could save the team time — only to be cut off by a senior colleague who circles back to the same point later. His version gets the nod.
She shrugs it off, but a thought starts to settle in: They don’t respect my opinion.
Next meeting, she hesitates to speak up. She triple-checks her emails before hitting send. When a contractor questions her call on timelines, she starts wondering if maybe she did miss something. She begins to interpret silence or pushback as confirmation that she’s not measuring up. The narrative evolves into: Maybe I’m not ready for this.
This is exactly the kind of mental loop Byron Katie’s Four Questions can interrupt:
Is it true? — Possibly.
Can you absolutely know it’s true? — No, not really.
How do you react when you believe that thought? — I shrink, overanalyse, avoid.
Who would you be without that thought? — Calm. Clear. Decisive. Back in my lane.
Sometimes, yes — a thought might be grounded in something real. But even then, there’s a fifth question I often ask in coaching: Is it serving you?
In high-pressure, fast-moving environments like property and construction, I’ve seen so many smart, driven professionals — especially women — unintentionally hold themselves back based on stories that haven’t been challenged. The Four Questions offer a way to gently pull at those threads and see what’s really there.
Thoughts Are Not Facts
In August 2021 I saved the below quote on my phone in my Notes, (unfortunately not crediting who wrote it, please share if you know) and I often come back to it.
“We use the phrase “Thoughts are not facts”, to suggest that we don’t have to believe everything we think, or take it as Absolute Truth.
This phrase does not imply thoughts are inherently untruthful or unreliable; the whole reason we depend on thinking so much is that it is most often a reliable guide to how things are, so we don’t question its validity. But it remains true, every thought is a mental event that contains a seed of reality, surrounded by a shell of inference.”
The Four Questions help us crack that shell. They don’t dismiss your experience — they create room for reflection. They make space to respond with clarity rather than react out of fear, habit, or assumption.
Keeping the Questions Close
I still have Byron Katie’s Four Questions pinned to the wall above my desk. Not because I’ve mastered them (spoiler: I haven’t), but because they remind me to pause. To check the story before I act on it. To move from automatic reaction to thoughtful response.
So, next time your brain kicks into overdrive — spiralling through worry, frustration or self-doubt — pause and ask yourself the questions.
You might just find the noise softens — and you return to yourself a little clearer, a little calmer, and a whole lot more in charge. Like I did.
Are you feeding a narrative that might need interrogating — one that’s quietly holding you back? Let’s chat.
Stay curious,
Claire
Image by Ron Lach, courtesy of Pexels