Stop avoiding conflict, please
Avoiding conflict rarely feels like avoidance in the moment, it feels like relief. It is the quiet decision to let something slide, “Future Me will deal with that”. The internal exhale, the nervous system settling as you choose not to speak up or speak out. For a moment, everything feels easier.
That response is 100% human and I’m not suggesting we all don’t choose to do it every now and then. In a way, its part of our prioritisation of needs. However, we are wired for connection (keeping with community = safety), and our brains are excellent at steering us away from perceived social threat. Staying quiet can register as safety but that sense of safety is not resolution. It is postponement.
When something bothers you and you do not name it, nothing actually disappears. The issue simply moves into storage, and stored issues have weight that can accumulate.
At first, each moment feels too small to raise like a comment that lands awkwardly, an expectation that was unclear, a behaviour that does not quite sit right. Individually, they seem minor but over time, they accumulate and this is where the real cost begins.
Unspoken tension quietly drains energy. You may still be showing up, performing, leading and being professional, but underneath, your system is working overtime - replaying conversations, editing yourself, taking on extra work in avoidance of conversations about expectations or performance, carrying low-grade frustration. In the workplace, this invisible load is a common pathway to emotional burnout not because the work itself is too much, but because people are holding too much inside it. Burnout is often framed as a capacity problem (and in some cases it really is) - too many tasks, too many hours, too much pressure. But it is just as often a clarity problem.
Unclear expectations.
Unspoken boundaries.
Unaddressed friction.
Conversations that should have happened and did not.
Each one adds another small layer of emotional labour and over time, irritation turns into resentment, resentment turns into disengagement and disengagement starts to look like apathy, low motivation, or withdrawal, even when the person actually cares deeply.
This is why people sometimes “snap out of nowhere.” The reaction is not sudden, the expression of it is. What surfaces in one moment is usually the backlog of everything that was never voiced. (Cue a P+C intevention)
The thing that drives me crazy, and why I feel like conflict needs a rebrand is that early conversations are usually simple. Late conversations are heavy.
Which is why the real choice is not between comfort and discomfort. It is between short-term discomfort and long-term discomfort and escalation. Short-term discomfort looks like a slightly awkward conversation and a racing heart. Long-term discomfort looks like ongoing resentment, more serious issues to discuss, performance management, emotional fatigue, and eventually, bigger conflict or burnout.
There is another important reframe here. Clear communication is not aggression. Clarity is kindness. (I say this too often, I should get it tattooed).
When you name what is not working, you are not creating conflict, you are offering information or perspective. You are giving the other person a chance to understand your experience and adjust. You are inviting conversation. That is not confrontation, it is collaboration.
Many people hear “hard conversation” and imagine criticism, blame, or emotional intensity. But most meaningful workplace conversations are simply about adjustment.
“I want to check expectations.”
“I noticed something and I’d love to talk it through.”
“When X happens, it impacts me/ the team like Y.”
These are not attacks. They are invitations to build shared understanding.
Avoiding conflict often starts as an attempt to be kind. But kindness that consistently excludes honesty slowly becomes harmful, to you and to the system you are part of. In my opinion, sharing your frustrations of others, to others without intention of communicating directly with the person who is frustrating you is toxic to a workplace ecosystem and reeks of cowardice.
Speaking earlier, more regularly and speaking smaller protects relationships, protects energy, protects trust and respect. And perhaps most importantly, it protects you from carrying what was never meant to be carried alone.
Short-term discomfort in service of long-term health is not harsh. It is responsible, respectful and above all else it is kind.
Ask yourself
Where am I choosing short-term comfort over long-term health right now?
What conversation have I been postponing that might actually create relief, not damage?
If you’re struggling to articulate something challenging - reach out and lets break it down into its parts so you can create clairty and kindness.
Stay curious,
X
Image: Pexels - Klaus Nielsen